rawrism:

You know when you know you just are not wanted

i just love being so fucking emotionally handicapped that i can’t deal with not hearing his voice for day, and every second not spent with him i’m borderline depressed. i’m pretty convinced at this point that i have not a single person to talk to who gives a shit. i hold him over everything and even when i get nothing in return i still keep on giving. i hate being so fucking weak.

dear god, i’m like a crack addict.

When you felt like nothing and needed me, I made sure I was there whenever possible and put myself through more pain than I ever have in my life just to make sure you felt better. I put up with your insecurities because I thought if i could make you better it would all be worth it. Now that you’re better and I’m the one that needs you, everything and everyone else comes first to you. Taking care of everyone but myself has made me insecure and I second guess everything I do or say or even feel or think. I’m crying at home feeling like shit because we had plans and you’re at the gym or hanging out with one of your friends instead of me, and I don’t know whether it’s me overreacting or you not doing enough. I want to be able to tell you things without the fear of you rejecting it or making fun of it. I want to be able to tell you everything. If anyone in the world understands why I can’t or why it’s hard, it should be you, and it feels like you don’t care. When you say “I love you” it doesn’t even sound the same to me anymore. I know you have your own life and you’re excited about everything in the future, and you want me to be in it (and I do too), but can’t you wait up just a bit for the one you’re supposed to love, and the one that’s always stuck by you even when it would have so much easier not to? Can’t you consider what I need from you, when I’ve been putting you before myself and everyone else for so long and without ever letting you question it? Can’t you just make a few exceptions like I’ve always done? I need you so close, so fucking bad, and you just don’t notice no matter how often I say I’m sad or I miss you. It’s not your fault, but I can’t even do anything about it because I feel like saying anything will start an argument or you will get defensive like you used to do all the time, or you’ll groan and roll your eyes at me. Those are my biggest fears, because they make me feel so shitty that I want to die. I’m in so much pain, I don’t know why, and I just need someone there that I can talk and cry to that wants to hang out with me and doesn’t make me feel like a burden. That’s all I need, and I’m supposed to have you, but you’re not like you used to be. You’ve changed a lot, for the better, but you don’t need me anymore, I need you more than anything, and I feel like as soon as I reach my breaking point you’ll realize that you don’t need to deal with it, like I thought I did, because you can find someone better. And eventually when I’m up to it, I will too. I’ll get attached, and I’ll end up doing to them what you did to me. If they’re smart, they’ll run far, far away and if not, then the cycle continues. This is my picture of how my life is gonna be. I’ve never felt more alone and hopeless and sad in my entire life. Except for that day I thought you’d break up with me.

it really sucks having a boyfriend and still having no one to talk to when i feel like this

fuck the world with a long dick